


Stone Cold

by shinedreamsmile



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Best Friends, F/M, Fluff, Secret Crush, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-11-26 02:03:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,193
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20922338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinedreamsmile/pseuds/shinedreamsmile
Summary: Have you ever loved someone so much that you keep them as your friend just so they stay in your life? But it’s never gonna be enough, there’s nothing you can take from it but being broken even when you’re left with nothing to be broken anymore. You thought you’d be happy for them, you wish you could mean that. But you’ll realize you can’t live like that, live with the stone cold lie.





	Stone Cold

**Author's Note:**

> The idea of secretly falling in love with bestfriend!wonpil has been on my mind endlessly and I'm so happy that I could finally wrote it down. This is actually inspired by some songs too, one of it strictly become the title of this fic >< hope you enjoy the story!
> 
> [the song that'll get some lyrics appeared in one part is Eric Benet - The Last Time]

I feel like my heart is going to burst.

I never knew I would be experiencing this kind of feeling where I can even hear the loud noise of my nervous heartbeats, where I found my own hands strongly grip the collar of my shirt, and how I momentarily think about my parents.

Did they also experience this when they were still figuring out their feelings towards each other? I might die from this uneven breathing.

For a moment I forgot how did I even reach this point, but eventhough I was so considering to withdraw from my own decision, part of me is also excited to finally let it out. So here I am, sitting on a bench under a big tree, nervously playing with my fingers, waiting for the one who is the reason of why my heart is going to burst.

I don’t even know why did I choose this place, my mind couldn’t process anything else but randomly think about this place just because we usually meet here in between our classes. Besides, if I had chosen another place, I’m afraid he might think that I have another intention. Well, perhaps I am indeed have another intention.

Because today, I’m going to tell Wonpil.

Oh how I hate how my heart clenches even just by mentioning his name in my mind.

I never knew exactly when did I start to look at him more than a friend. I’ve been seeing him for more than half of my life but I think people were right when they said there can’t be a friendship between a boy and a girl, sooner or later one would be catching feeling. In this case, it's me.

Now even only by the mention of his name could make my heart wavers. At first, I didn’t want to acknowledge my feelings for him. We’ve known each other since elementary school, he happened to be my chair mate in the first grade and turned out that we also lived in the same neighbourhood.

Back then I was way taller than Wonpil, his height was only about my shoulders. I remember in the third grade, some kids bullied him and I had to defend him and shove those kids. Wonpil hid behind me while I dealed with them and fight them back.

I also remember when I got my first period in seventh grade, when I panicked in the toilet because my stomach was so hurt and my skirt was stained by the blood. I didn’t want to go back to class and planned to go out when everyone already leave the school. I was ashamed because of the blood stain, I really had no idea what to do and didn’t want anyone to find out. Then I heard a knock in the toilet door, It was Wonpil. He was wondering why I took a long time from class.

At first he laughed at me when he knew the reason why I decided to hide in the toilet, avoiding to go back to class. I had to beat his arm to stop him from laughing. He just made it worse. Wonpil forced me to go out, he then gave me his jacket and lings it in my waist to hide the blood stain in my school skirt.

The following years, I spent my youth wondering what happened to myself everytime my best friend was near me, then it just hit me how I actually started to grow feelings for him. Because all I know suddenly I feel my heartbeat become uneven when he was around, see sparks fly everytime I see him smiling and I find myself take secret glances at him a little too often just to realize Wonpil grew up_ so_ fine.

He got dreamy eyes, the ones that keep me lost in them everytime I looked at him. He got strong eyebrows which sometimes make him look intimidating. And I love how rounded the tip of his nose is, makes me want to bop it in everytime I see it.

There are nights that instead of sleeping I would spend my time staring at the ceiling of my room and his face appeared as I recalled the moments we spent together.

Wonpil is sweet and endearing. He is the youngest in his family, he grew up with the overflowing love showered by his family, which is why he got a heart of gold. Back when we were kids, I thought he was too soft for this world, I even had to defend him from the bullies. Unlike him, I was way more unstable with my emotions. I was mean to some kids that hurt me or him. But Wonpil would easily forgive them.

He is like the water to my flame.

He keeps me sane.

He makes me love this life because he is in it.

And today I’m going to tell him that. I’m going to tell him that he’s the reason of my stars and my sun collide.

My hair would always be tied like a pony tail. I always wear jeans and shirt to campus. But today, I try to look more feminine for him. My eyes then averted to the blue skirt I’m wearing, it feels weird but it’s for Wonpil. I also let my hair untied this time, but God knows how I’m really eager to tie my hair now.

Wonpil and I went to see a movie in the cinema last week. He said there was a movie that he wanted to watch, a comedy romance one. The truth is, he knew that I hate that kind of genre yet he still tried to make me watch one. I just wonder that he somehow knew that I would never say no to him.

Inside the theater, I occasionally stole glances to him. God, he really got the finest side profile and I couldn’t help myself but appreciating it from up close. There were times when Wonpil caught me and he would throw a popcorn to my face, which sent me back to earth and took a revenge by flicking his forehead. After a few moments, Wonpil leaned to me and I shivered when I heard his breath in my ear.

_“The lead female is so pretty, her clothes make her more pretty,”_ he whispered.

I took more attention to the dress that the lead female character was wearing. She wore a nice summer dress that fit her body perfectly.

_“Girls are more pretty when they’re wearing skirt, I guess,”_ he added.

Those words never left my mind for a week and yesterday I was really close to crying when I realized that I didn’t own a skirt at all, not even a single one. But today, here I am with my brand new skirt, waiting for the boy that has been my friend for more than a half of my life, planning to tell him that I like him.

I nearly jumped from my seat when a cold steel touched my cheek. My body reflectly avoided that thing and then I heard a familiar loud windshield laughter. I see Wonpil taking a seat beside me. My hand is still at my cheek that he pressed with a cold soda can.

“I could’ve reflectly thrown a fist to you, you know?”

Wonpil just laughed and passed me the soda.

Today he wears a grey hoodie and jeans, with grey sneakers. I notice his black hair’s so long now, but thanks God he kept his forehead shown.

Wonpil puts his black back pack in the grass beside his foot and opened up the soda.

I begin to panic again. How am I supposed to begin?

_Wonpil, I like you._

I can already hear his mocking laugh in my mind. I probably have gone nuts for even thinking about telling him that I like him. What if he’d feel uncomfortable after hearing my confession? What if he finds it gross that me, of all people, fall for him all this time? What if this confession would make him avoid me?

It’s not like these questions didn’t flood my mind earlier before I reached this point. But I just can’t contain this anymore. I chose this place, I chose to wear the cloth he mentioned, in order to make it easier for me to let all this suffocating feelings out of my chest. We’ve known each other for a long time and I feel like I’m ready with all the consequences that I would face once I let the words slip out my mouth.

Before Wonpil ask me why I wanted to meet him, I should save the moment.

“H-How was your class?”

Stupid Song Danee, that was all your tongue could afford? Classic question and you couldn’t even say it naturally.

I guess Wonpil kinda noticed the tremble in my voice, he eyed me while drinking his soda.

“It was okay,” Wonpil said as he gulped.

I can feel my hands are shaky, wishing Wonpil didn’t notice that I’ve been nervously rubbing the top of the soda can that he gave me.

My mind can’t find any words to begin and I hate myself. I thought I was fully prepared but I didn’t calculate that his presence would affect a delay to my brain processing.

Before I could even think about what to say, Wonpil suddenly leaned closer to me. He turned his body to face me. His face is lit up, like a kid who is excited to open up a present.

“Actually..” he begins, “It was more than okay.”

I look at him in the eyes.

“What happened?”

Wonpil bites his lower lip, he looks so happy about something that he is about to say.

“Do you know Clara Jung?”

I kinda furrow my brows, trying to collect my memory about the name he mentioned.

“As long as I know, there’s only one Clara Jung though,”

He nods aggresively.

“She’s in my Philosophy class and she sat next to me today.”

Wonpil can’t stop grinning, he is staring at me with a smile that could probably reach his ears. It looks like he is waiting for my reaction but I still can’t understand what to do with the information he just said.

“..So?”

This time Wonpil straightens his body and turns to face the front again, leaning his back to the bench. Wonpil sighs, setting his dreamy eyes to the sky.

“I like her, Danee. She’s so pretty,”

I swear the ground is shaking, and I'm not myself anymore. I can't even recognize my surrounding, or my hands or my feet. My sight is suddenly blurred as I feel the pang that resonates in my chest. My body froze but I can’t take my eyes away from Wonpil.

In my entire life, I’ve never seen Wonpil like this. He is facing the sky with his dreamy eyes, his lips can’t remain still as he keeps smiling. Wonpil looks like he just drew a face of someone he really longs in the sky, like he is so helplessly in love with someone on his mind.

I feel like a huge hole has been punched through my chest. It hurts a lot. He is smiling, but no sparks fly this time, it’s like thousand needles are being pressed on my skin.

I might’ve been in silence for too long that Wonpil’s eyes are back at me.

“Wow.. you should see yourself, you looked funny while saying that,“ I retort, evey word that escaped from my lips taste bitter.

He tilts his head, “Did I?”

My hand finds its way to nudge him, “You like her, huh? _The_ Clara Jung?”

“Why? What about her?” Wonpil furrows his brows.

“Damn, that girl is too pretty for you. Besides, so many guys after her, you know?”

It is true. Clara Jung is a campus heartthrob. She is known as a campus representative beautiful icon. She is smart, active in students organization. Not to mention she has a perfect body that would make guys swung around just to check on her.

“I know, and I’ll win her heart. Just wait and see,” he said with his provoking look.

It is so hard for me to catch a breath hearing those words. Kim Wonpil and his positive mind are back at it again, he looks like he is so sure to get her.

What now? This isn’t a joke. This is real and I also didn’t calculate this thing. I thought I had him there, moments when I thought at least he had tiny space for me in his heart, but the world is laughing at me and my stupid thought the moment Wonpil confessed his feeling about another girl.

I’m so afraid that he would notice my trembling lips so I heave a sigh and shrugged, pretending that I’m unsure about what he said earlier.

“Well, let’s see then. Don’t come crying at me when you get humiliated by the guys you’re competing with.“

Wonpil tilts his head again and stares at me, “I’m serious, Song Danee. I really like her and I will do anything to make her mine.”

He smiles like a fool. Those words stung, how could he said that while looking straight at my eyes?

I fake a scoff and softly shove his face to turn away from me, I just can’t stand those twinkling eyes.

“Whatever. Let’s go get lunch, I’m starving.”

I stand up while hugging my books. It is no use to stay in where we are at, I can’t breathe here and if I don’t move my body I might as well be numb for God knows how long. I notice that my eyes slowly became blurry by the tears that suddenly gathered. Not now, I can’t let them stream down my face now. I secretly wipe my eyes when Wonpil bends to pick up his back pack in the grass.

I bite my lower lip, trying to restrain another batch of tears that gathered in my eyes again. I walk away first and I hear Wonpil rushly walks to follow me.

“Ah, Danee,” he calls when he made it to walk beside me, “You said in the text that there was something you wanted to tell me, what is it?”

I avoid his gaze, what am I supposed to say? Little did he know that he had crumbled what I was going to say to him.

“I wanted to say..” I pause, don’t know what to say next.

Wonpil’s eyes are fixed on me and this time with heavy heart I brace myself to look at him back. But it is probably a bad decision because my body automatically froze once I meet his eyes again. I stop walking and Wonpil does the same.

He lifts his brows, patiently waiting for me to finish my words. I unconsciously study his face. The face that now makes me have to look up everytime I want to see it, because he grew way taller than me.

For a moment, I can see the kid version of Kim Wonpil in front of me before my eyes see the grown up Wonpil again.

And then I realized. I like him enough to have him always be next to me. I like him enough to have him in my life like this. I don’t want to lose him. I never saw him beyond happy like how he reacted earlier and I don’t want him lose that smile. Let me get my feelings dim on its own, it doesn’t matter that I can’t have him, it doesn’t matter even if I would see him running to someone else. I just don’t want to lose him.

“I wanted to say.. Kim Wonpil stupid.”

I said that and ran away from him, with the energy that left in me. I know what kind of facial expression he makes now eventhough I don’t see it. But I just can’t see it now, I can’t take it anymore.

“Stupid, huh? You’re stupid. Hey! Don’t run away you coward! Danee!”

There's a slight amusement in his voice when he calls out my name, and I always love the way he says my name, but rather than relishing now I just keep running, wishing that I can at least pretend that I am all fine in each step I take.

Perhaps he doesn’t have to know, perhaps it is better this way, having him in my life is enough, I don’t have to let him know how am I actually feeling. I don’t want to change anything.

Heartache doesn’t last forever, I would make it through.

+++

Four years later and the heartache still got the best of me.

It feels like yesterday. The day when I decided to tell him that I like him. Wonpil didn’t even notice that I wore a skirt that day, the cloth that he said would make a girl be more pretty when she wears it. Perhaps it wasn’t the cloth, it was the person who was wearing it.

Sometimes I miss our college days. Back then I was so eager to graduate and make my own money. But being an adult is way more complicated than what I expected. Now I am trapped in the compulsory of adulthood.

Even today, I would find myself staring too long at the framed photo in my desk, abandoning my work in the laptop next to the photograph.

It was me and Wonpil, taken in our graduation day. Wonpil had his arm around my shoulders and he leaned his temple atop my head.

Even today, my feelings remain the same, it never changed and it never leave my heart no matter how hard I tried to destroy it. Years passed by but the more I wanted to break free from my feelings towards him, the stronger it become.

I hate that I have been displaying a facade that never failed to hide the true me all this time. It always works but I can’t let these feelings stay forever. _The day_ is coming closer and I don’t know what to do. I thought I could destroy these feelings but actually how could I be completely free from it when I see him everyday?

The last battle is coming closer yet my heart kept doing the otherwise of what I want it to do.

My thoughts were distracted by the loud blare of my phone ring tone. Wonpil’s name pops up on the screen and I slide my thumb to pick it up.

“Hey,” I greet him.

“Hey, do you have anything to do after work?”

“No, why?”

“Great. I’ll pick you up and we’re gonna watch movie, okay?”

I close my eyes, “Kim Wonpil you have a fiancee. Why don’t you ask her instead?”

“I wanna go with you. Don’t act like you’re busy, I’ll pick you up at 6.”

I roll my eyes, “Alright, but my pick of movie.”

Wonpil hummed and then he bid me a _see you later_ before ending the call.

I can’t help but beam a smile at my phone. It’s been a while since the two of us went to watch a movie together.

After work, Wonpil picked me up at my office and we went straightly to the same cinema that we’ve always come to. I chose an action movie, the one where the lead character is an assassin. Wonpil would always cringe at the fight scenes, he couldn’t stand all those violence. I just laughed every time I see him shutting his eyes when those scenes come up.

“The ending was unexpected, wasn’t it?” I said to him when we walk out the theater.

Wonpil shruggs, “Yeah, it was great.”

“You closed your eyes for half of the movie though.”

“Did I?” Wonpil lifts his right eyebrow.

I just shove his arm.

It is November, the cold wind fills the air as a reminder that winter is coming. I kinda shivered when the cold air stabs my skin as soon as we stepped out from the building. My hands automatically wrap to hug myself. I should’ve brought my coat.

“You didn’t bring your coat again?”

I turn to see Wonpil and he starts to unbotton his coat. For a moment, I just stand here when he wraps his coat around my body.

But I try to take it off, “Stop doing cringy thing like this.” Wonpil grips my shoulder, stopping me from taking the coat off.

He softly taps my forehead, “Stop being forgetful and bring your coat. It’s nearly winter.”

Wonpil walks first and I watch his back for a moment before taking a step to follow him and walk side by side. Forgetful? I wish I could also forget you. I wish I could also forget these feelings were even there.

I softly rub Wonpil’s coat with my thumb as we walk along the pavement, it is warm and his scent is all over it, making me secretly sniffed it just so I could at least saved a trail of him in me later.

“Let’s buy fish cakes in the corner,” he said.

I just nod. It’s the next thing that we usually do after movies.

“How's Clara?”

Wonpil smiles. It would be like that sometimes, with just the mention of her name, it would draw a smile on his face.

“She’s fine. She has to work until late. I told her that I would go with you.”

“I see, that’s why you asked me to go with you instead.”

Wonpil turns to face me as we keep walking, he looked offended.

“I really want to go with you, Danee. We didn’t hang out like this for a while.”

I shake my head, “You really can’t live without me, huh?”

Wonpil chuckles before he pinches my nose and I pretend like I can’t breathe while slapping his hand, trying to get his hand off my face.

Actually it hurts to utter those words, knowing that I am the one who can’t live without him. No matter how torturing it is to pretend like I don’t hide feelings for him, no matter how hurt I am to watch him running for the one he loves.

Why did my heart choose him?

Why did my heart choose to be helplessly in love with the one I could never have?

+++

I have constantly pinched my arm for the last ten minutes as I tried to stay focus. Thanks to Kim Wonpil for making me stayed wide awake last night after the movie. No, it was actually just me dealing with late night thoughts which led me to crying too and ended up drown in my own misery. But I just have to put the blame on him.

Every night I spent with crying would always be started as a _one last cry_, but it turns out there are too many last cries.

I forgot that I had a morning meeting with my clients today in a cafe near my office and now I struggle to keep my eyelids from closing, eventhough there would be some seconds where I would close my eyes to gather the energy that left in me. Because apparently the coffee I ordered doesn’t affect at all.

But fortunately I can actually get what the client wants and I made it to write down some points in my notebook. He wants me to build a webpage for his bussiness, I take some notes how he wants it to be look like and my brain is half working on a script code I can use, half drifting off because of the dizziness.

The meeting ends well, he looks satisfied with the quick mock up that I make for the webpage. I bow to him as he gets up from his seat and leaves first. As soon as he went out from the cafe, I drop myself back to my seat and close my eyes. My heavy sigh can be heard clearly and I don’t even care if anyone stares at me for sounding so exhausted, I am indeed, undoubtedly, truly, exhausted.

But no, I can’t sleep here. I force my eyes to open and drag myself to leave. As soon as I walk out the cafe, the sun lit hit my face. I check my phone to see the time and it turns out that it is eleven, perhaps it would be better if I fill my stomach first before going back to my office.

“Danee,”

I heard a familiar velvety voice calls me and I turn to see the owner of the voice.

Clara, she smiles when our eyes met. She is with two other women, but after she looks like she’s sure that it is me, she bids them goodbye and part away from them.

I just stay still in my place as I watch her walking towards me.

“Hey,” Clara smiles, “Where are you heading to, Danee?”

“I’m.. going to have lunch, I just had a meeting here,” I point the cafe behind me. “How about you? Why did you part away from your friends?”

“Oh, we went to nail salon. They actually wanted to head somewhere else and then I saw you. I haven’t had lunch either, can I come with you?”

I see Clara’s face lights up as she asks me, with those sparkling eyes, how could I say no?

“Sure,” I shrug and then she smiles.

Clara and I went to an Italy restaurant. We then chose the table beside the wide window and sit across each other. As my eyes scanning the menu, I feel like my head is spinning around. I don’t know what to choose, honestly anything would do because all I need just food and sleep.

I heave a soft sigh before my eyes accidentally landed on Clara’s hand that is laying on the table. My eyes caught a shiny silver ring that wrapped her finger, it has one small diamond in the centre of it, it fits her pretty fingers perfectly.

In a cue, my mind rewind to the moment when I saw that ring for the first time. I remember how Wonpil looked like when he opened up a blue velvet box to me, revealing a shiny ring inside of it.

_“Beautiful isn’t it? Do you think she’ll like it, Danee?”_

I remember Wonpil saying that, he said he would propose to her, asking her to be his companion for the rest of his life. I remember him practicing the words that he had prepared. He practiced it with me, because Kim Wonpil was a fool who didn’t want to show the world the he actually was. And I just stood there to listen to him, listening to the words that I didn’t imagine him saying to me yet another woman’s name was mentioned instead.

_“Clara Jung, will you be my wife?”_

The day that I felt like my world was falling apart, the day that I felt like I wanted to stab my self with a spear, the day that I—

“Danee,”

I came back to my sense and looked at Clara who God knows how long has been staring at me. I just realized that she has called a waiter who’s now standing beside our table, writing down the orders.

“What do you want to order?” she lifts her brows, trying to read me.

I stuttered and picked the first thing I saw in the menu. After that the waiter bowed to us and left. It was awkward, I didn’t know I would be caught zoning out, so my brain quickly try to find a subject to talk about.

“Nice nail art.”

Well, I tried, that was the best I could think of.

Clara looks at her nails and she chuckles, “Is it?”

I just nod and it becomes silence again. Clara looks like she wants to say something but she holds back. Somehow it makes me uneasy.

“Are you okay, Danee?”

I press my lips into a thin line before quickly chuckle, trying to look like I am indeed exhausted, instead of feeling uneasy because she is here with me now.

“Well, lack of sleep and piled up work got the best of me. But yeah, I’m okay, I guess?”

Clara nods in understatement, she works too and I bet she is actually busy and lack of sleep too but somehow she manages to take care of herself and stay beautiful like this. Unlike me who could barely breathe properly, let alone treating myself and go to beauty salon.

“Wonpil said you two hang out last night?” she smiles.

I sigh, “Yes, that fool dragged me to watch movie when all I wanted to do is sleep after work.”

I hear Clara chuckles when she sees me rolling my eyes at the thought of it.

My eyes averted back to her hand.

“Are you gonna wear these until the wedding?” I ghostly touch her painted nails.

Clara nods, “I want to. What do you think? Will it suit the dress?”

I just softly smile, thinking of the beautiful long dress I have seen a few weeks ago. It's perfect for her and her nails make her pretty fingers more beautiful. Those hands would be held by another pair of hands that I am familiar with.

“Yes, it will,” I said.

I absentmindedly stare at Clara. Once again studying her features and I can’t help but understand why Wonpil falls for her.

She got long brunette hair that is cascaded to her arms, the hair that I am sure has been caressed by Wonpil in every chance he has. She got double eyelids which makes her big eyes more attractive, the eyes that I bet has made Wonpil lost in them so many times. And she got plump lips that always makes her pretty whatever color she chooses to use, the lips that I know for sure Wonpil has kissed in so many ways.

Sometimes I wonder how would’ve it felt to be in her shoes. To be the woman who caught his eye, to make his sun and his stars collide, to get him trying to win my heart, to get to be where he is, to whisper words I wish were mine, to keep him satisfied.

These _what if_s always lingered on my mind. But I could never hate Clara.

She is the perfection for his imperfection. She fills up his lack and is centre of his balance. She got everything and beyond what I could ever offer to Wonpil, I don’t even dare to compare myself further with her.

I watch Clara played with her fingers before she finally spoke again.

“Danee, can I ask you something?”

Here it comes, the thing she held back moments ago. I don’t know what it is going to be, but I just feel like I’m not ready for it. Wonder is reflected in her eyes and it makes me more cautious of the next words that would slip from her mouth.

I nod, “Sure.”

Her eyes landed on the table for a moment, like she is searching for the right words.

“I don’t mean to offend you or anything.. but what I’m gonna talk about now has been on my mind endlessly and I think now that I’m with you, I just want to.. be clear about everything before it’s too late.”

My mouth is slightly agape, there’s an alarm in my system that telling me this is going bad, from this point onwards, this conversation would lead somewhere that I could never even dare to think.

“I’ve known you and Wonpil for four years now, but you two have known each other way long before that. Your bond with him is something that I always respect and Danee, I feel so happy to have you letting me also be in same space that you and him have all this time. I’m happy to have you opened up for me and happy when you said that I can also count on you like Wonpil count on you,”

Clara sighs as her gaze softens, she speaks carefully as if she is walking in a thin rope and one wrong word would make her fall.

“I thought perhaps it’s just.. what you call instinct, or perhaps it’s just me being overthinker. I thought I saw it the other days and I tried so hard not to overthink about it, but I can’t help it, Danee.”

My eyes never left her ever since then. I am nauseated because I feel like I know where this conversation would lead to and I’m not ready for this.

“You saw.. what?”

Her lips are slightly parted as she shifts her gaze, it is obvious that she is hesitant to let the words slip from her mouth.

“I saw it in the party, Danee. The way you looked at Wonpil. Your eyes reflected it and honestly I couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

I frown at her words, “What did my eyes reflect?”

“Longing..” she pauses for a while before continuing her words, “You looked at him like that. Like you were.. sad.”

My tongue suddenly feels numb. Is this really happening? It’s not like I wasn’t aware of the glances Clara gave me when she was with Wonpil, or the time when I was feeling like Clara noticed that sometimes I avoided to join them in some events, or when she caught me zoning out in their engagement party. But I tried so hard not to reach the point where Clara would be curious about the reasons behind all of it.

“I— Listen Clara, I don’t understand why did you catch that as something that you couldn’t stop thinking about. You know,” I shrug, “Wonpil is my best friend and he’s getting married, well.. I don’t have any reason to be sad like what you thought you saw in your engagement party but—”

“Danee please be honest with me,” Clara cut me.

At the same second I meet her eyes again and this time she is the one who looks sad. My breath hitched as she tries to read me, to look through me.

“Do you have feelings for Wonpil?”

My stomach just dropped. All this time, I thought I could never get caught. Never in my life I thought someone could see me beyond my facade, because it always worked to the person who was the reason why I put this facade in the first place.

But apparently Clara saw me through the crack.

“What?” I faked a cough. “I don’t quite understand what you really mean?”

Clara is about to talk again but I speak to keep her from saying the things that probably would hurt both of us.

“I mean.. Wonpil would always be a little boy who used my shirt to wipe his nose and you know what, he did more disgusting things that I witnessed with my own eyes for all the time we’ve been together. You asked do I have feelings for him? Oh yes, I feel annoyed by his existence like I don’t understand why does he still linger within my life, apparently he only has me to annoy.”

Clara remains still, I wish she doesn’t notice the slight tremble in my voice. I spoke too fast and it seems like she doesn’t buy any of shits I said earlier. Her face shows that she is examining me.

“You can lie to him, but you can’t lie to me, Danee..” she sighs. “Do you like him?”

I am at loss of words. At this moment, I just want to disappear. Clara doesn’t even take her eyes away from me and that makes me anxious. This conversation shouldn’t even happened in the first place, I can’t imagine how she is feeling with that thought lingers on her mind. And since when did she actually notice it?

I comb my hair with my fingers and my hand stopped at the back of my neck, trying so hard to catch a breath with this anxiety taking over my body.

“What would you do if I like him?” I cocked my head, “Will you give him to me?”

And I could tell that I must’ve gone crazy because of the words that came out of my mouth. There is a pure shock written all over her face. The face that reflected wonder earlier now showing hurt instead. Clara’s mouth is opened yet no words came out from it, I watch her eyes slowly get wet and that was when I knew.

I quickly reach for her hands and hold it tight.

“No, Clara. I’m kidding.. Oh my God, please don’t cry, Wonpil will kill me,” I said while rubbing her hands and she is still in silence. The tears still stream down her cheeks anyway and I reflectly wipe it with my thumb.

“You lied?” she hiccups.

God, how could she be this beautiful even when she is crying? I press my lips into a thin line and slowly nod.

“Listen, I don’t know how did you come to that ridiculous point but you’re wrong. I don’t like Wonpil and there’s nothing you have to doubt or overthink about. I’m here for both of you because I care about you two. Though there are times that I want to just stay away from that fool because sometimes he’s just too much,” I scrunched my nose at the end of my words.

Clara bites her lower lip, like she is still overwhelmed by my words.

“Danee—”

“He loves you and you love him too. That’s all that matters, there’s nothing else more important than that. Please don’t be distracted by things that shouldn’t be your burden at all, Clara.”

She sheds another tears, “I’m sorry, Danee.”

At this moment, the waiter comes to our table and put down our food. Clara quickly wipes her tears and sniffs, while I take this moment to take a breath. When our eyes meet again, she can’t hide her smile.

“Don’t be sorry,” I shake my head and heave a sigh, staring at our food. “Let’s eat, okay? I’m starving.”

Clara chuckles as she nods and we begin to give our attention to the food. I pray that Clara would believe in me, I just can’t imagine how would it be if she keeps digging me.

At this point, I’m scared of myself. How did I even handle that? The words I said earlier left a bitter trail on my lips and I have no choice but to swallow this pain again. And that is even scarier, to witness myself drowning in the pain that I have endured for too long that I became used to it.

I’m the one who should be sorry, Clara. I don’t like him. I_ love_ him.

+++

Tomorrow. I am going to lose him, _forever_.

I am going to lose the one that never even been mine.

It scares me how I could keep going until this point. I am scared of myself, I am scared if there is really nothing to change me.

The hole in my chest.. I thought it would be healed sooner. I thought it was enough to have him always be in my life, I thought I was happy enough to keep him as my friend, but the greed in me had never left, it was always there but somehow I still managed to keep it down.

The truth is, I am stuck in a limbo. Can’t get closer to what my heart wants, can’t get away from it either. But if I were to choose between him or my greed, I would always choose him.

I shifted my gaze to my phone, staring at the email that just has been sent to me. I nuzzled to my pillow as the war in my mind doesn’t seem to end soon. Everything has been settled, all I need to do now is just bear the pain a little bit more.

Speaking of pain, the name of the cause of my pain suddenly pops up on the screen along with the noise of my ringtone.

I sighed before swiping the screen to pick up his call, “What?”

“Don’t ‘what’ me, where are you?” he asked over the phone.

“Kim Wonpil it’s midnight, where else do you think I am?”

“I can’t sleep..” his voice is tender.

My heart hurt. I closed my eyes, drawing his face in my mind, “Are you nervous?”

“Can you come over, Danee?”

It is like my body is in auto pilot. It doesn’t take much for Wonpil to get me up from my bed and drag myself to his place even in this hour.

Within twenty minutes, here I am, in front of his unit waiting for him to open up the door. I pressed the bell and Wonpil came out.

“Good, you’re wearing jacket,” he said while closing the door behind him.

I looked at him from head to toe, noticing how he dresses like he is going out. “Well, I see you are too. I thought we—”

“Let’s go,” Wonpil grabs my hand and he leads me to the elevator.

He pressed the highest number of the elevator button and I just remained silent. In a minute, we are arrived at the top of his apartment building. Wonpil opened up the glass door which led us to the rooftop.

I look around as I put my hands in my jacket pocket. We could clearly see the city lights from here and I’m enchanted by the scenery.

“It’s beautiful here,” I said.

“I know right,” Wonpil spreaded his arms, like he is presenting the view for me.

But all I could see was him, his side profile that always takes my breath away. Wonpil turned to see me and I came back to my sense.

“You come here often? How come you never told me your apartment rooftop has amazing view like this?”

Wonpil just chuckled and leaned to the glass railing. I follow him, resting my elbows on the railing as we stare at the city lights.

“Danee,” he called, “remember the day I told you that I was going to win Clara’s heart?”

I feel like I glitched. Of course I remember that day, he has no idea how it still haunts me up until now.

“Yeah,”

Eventhough I don’t face him, I could see from the corner of my eyes that Wonpil is smiling.

“I can’t believe that I’m going to marry her tomorrow.”

My heart sinks as the words slipped from his mouth. I secretly take a deep sigh, find it hard to breathe again because I’m not ready for this talk. I can’t believe it either, Pil.. but it is happening. It is going to happen, whether I am ready or not.

“Are you nervous?”

Wonpil chuckled, “I feel like my heart is going to burst.”

“Hey,” I nudged his arm, “Breathe. Okay? Everything’s gonna be alright.”

This time Wonpil turned to face me and it’s actually me who can’t breathe. How could he be so beautiful under the moonlight? I’m once again lost in his eyes.

Wonpil bit his lower lip and slowly nodded, like he is being a good boy who listened well what the older told him.

“Everything’s gonna be alright,” he repeated me.

Wonpil’s voice is so soothing and it always eases me. I know he is repeating my words to make himself calm, but my brain takes it as if he is telling me the same thing. Would everything gonna be alright? After the sun rises, he would completely belong to someone else and I have to live with it.

“Actually, there’s a certain thing that makes me can’t sleep, Danee,” he said.

“What is it?”

Wonpil sighed, “The dance.”

I tilted my head before finally letting out a chuckle.

“You’re more nervous about the dance rather than the vow?”

“Don’t laugh at me, you know how I feel about dancing.”

That took me to a memory we had in high school. Wonpil took me to the prom and when it was dancing time, he could only wiggle his body matching the rhytm of the pop rock music that filled the hall. I had a good laugh watching him did silly dancing that day.

“What? You were pretty confident shaking your butt in the prom,” I can’t help but laughed at the memory.

Wonpil laughed too as he tried to softly slap my arm for laughing at him.

“It’s different, you brat. This time I have to do slow dance.”

I shake my head as I keep grining, “No, you should do the same dance as you did in the prom, Kim Wonpil. It’s iconic.”

“You like that, huh?” he asked while nodding, trying to look offended but the grin never left his face.

“Probably we should’ve stayed longer in the prom that day until they play jazz,” he sighed, “So I could’ve tried a slow dance with you.”

I stopped laughing and thought about what he said. Yeah, we probably should’ve stayed longer that day and now I wonder what if we also had a slow dance. My thoughts were abruptly distracted when Wonpil’s face came a little too close to mine.

“I have an idea,” he said abruptly. “Do you bring your phone?”

I frowned at him but nodded anyway. He gestured me to take the phone that I bring and give it to him. My hand went to the pocket of my jacket and handed him my phone, still don’t know what he is going to do with it.

“What are you doing with it?”

“We’re gonna do what we should’ve done in the prom,” he swiped up the screen, “What song do you want?”

I could only stare at him, are we going to do it now? The slow dance? My heart wrenches, he is doing it again, practicing the thing he is unsure to do and I once again need to be there for him to reassure that he is going to do it just fine. The memory of how he practiced to propose to Clara resurfaces my mind, the time where he said words that I had been dreaming to hear from him, but it wasn’t my name that he mentioned. And now he’s going to do it again, the thing that I wished to do with him, but it’s just gonna be another practice, because when he has me in his arms later, he would think of another woman.

Just then my phone rang as a notification of something was sent to me. I watch Wonpil’s face dimmed like he just saw something that makes him feel down.

I quickly try to take my phone but Wonpil grips it tightly, refusing to give it back to me. But I could take a quick glance at what he was looking at. It's my e-ticket. He then shoots a glare at me.

“A flight to San Fransisco? Tomorrow?” he asked with a disappointed tone.

This is so frustrating. Of all time, why did my e-ticket have to be sent to me when Wonpil staring at my phone?

I lick my lips that feels so dry, “Give it back to me, Pil.”

Disappointment is radiating from his face as he keeps glaring at me, “Are you nuts? You’re leaving tomorrow?”

“I take a night flight, I’m not gonna miss your wedding, relax.”

Wonpil shakes his head. He stares at my phone and my face in turn. “Why are you leaving suddenly? And why is it a one way ticket? When are you gonna be back?”

He sounds furious and I don’t know how to answer his questions. I could only stare at him and he also fixed his eyes on me.

“I.. was promoted and my boss sent me to our head office in San Fransisco, I need to train for the new technology we’re currently work on,” I lied. I wasn’t promoted, I volunteered to be sent to San Fransisco.

“And how long is it to be exact?”

I press my lips into a thin line, can't find the nerve to utter the answer right away. There's a knot on my throat as I gather all the energy to be seemed like this isn’t a big deal, like it is just our another normal conversation, not a news that is for sure has a value.

Little does he know that I try so hard not to attach to his gaze because I know the moment I lock our gaze then it'll be hard for me to save myself, to be able grasp the reality that's being shoved to my face, to believe that this is the right path to take after all.

“Three years.”

Wonpil gasps and turns his face away from me, throwing his gaze somewhere else as he scoffed. He has his hands on his waist, taking a step back from me.

“You’re going to leave tomorrow,” he faced the ground, “..not gonna be back for three years and you’re telling me _now_.”

I heaved a sigh, “It’s only three years.”

“Three years is a long time, Danee. I might have a kid already by the time you come back.”

The world around me suddenly collapsed. Though my eyes still focused on him, my mind drifted away to the image of Kim Wonpil being a father, holding a baby in his arms, the realistic view that would welcome me a few years from now. And it just hit me how I probably won't ever be ready for that moment to comes. 

“Were you going to tell me anyway?”

Hurt is what his eyes clearly emits, voice hinting of grief. Slowly I try my best to gather myself back together, because I can't bear seeing him hurt.

“I just.. got the news. It’s so sudden for me too but you know, it means a lot to me, Pil. You know that it’s one of my dreams to have a work experience abroad. I was going to tell you, but after the wedding. I don’t want to distract you. It’s a happy news, though.”

This time I see his gaze softens, he closed his eyes for a while, before finally walk closer to me again.

“I don’t know..” he sighs, “Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to hear that, but I’m not happy to not seeing you for three years.”

I roll my eyes, “Stop being dramatic.”

Wonpil chuckles and he flicks my forehead.

“Get promoted and sent to head office, huh?” he jokes, “I wonder what is inside your mind, Danee.”

My dear, you’d be in tears if you could see what's inside my mind.

I see him looking at my phone again that is still in his hand, he touches the screen and in a while I can hear a soft melody came out from it. Wonpil puts my phone on the chest pocket on his jacket and he walks closer than he already is.

Without a word, Wonpil offers his hand to me. I stare at his hand and his face in turn, still can’t believe what is happening. It feels different from the prom. This is the night before his wedding and here we are about to dance, under the moonlight, under the circumstance that we're both aware of my departure for good.

I sigh before finally taking his hand, earning a smile blooming on his face. Wonpil guides my other hand to his chest, while his other hand slowly rest on my waist. He grips my hand tight enough, pulling our bodies closer like he as afraid I might disappear if he didn’t do so.

_The first time I fell in love was long ago_

_I didn’t know how to give my love at all_

_The next time I settled for what felt so close_

_But without romance, you’re never gonna fall_

_After everything I’ve learned_

_Now it’s finally my turn_

_This is the last time I’ll fall in love_

Our bodies sway in a slow pace, just naturally matching the rhythm of the jazz song that is being played.

My eyes are shut closed for a while as the lyrics of the song hit me. Then I look up to see Wonpil’s face, we don’t say anything and I am once again lost in his eyes, wondering will I ever be able to break free from the misery of falling in love with him.

_The first time we walked under that starry sky_

_There was a moment when everything was clear_

_I didn’t need to ask or even wonder why_

_Because each question is answered when you’re near_

_And I’m wise enough to know when a miracle unfolds_

_This is the last time I’ll fall in love_

Wonpil just smiles through the song and little does he know that smile never failed to take my breath away. At this moment, I pray that he would somehow listen what is on my mind. Because I have no courage to say it to him. I slowly move my hand that was on his chest to the back of his neck. His eyes fixed on me as he guides my other hand that he is holding, to the back of his neck too before both of his hands gently rest on my waist. 

_Now don’t hold back, just let me know_

_Could I be moving much too fast or way too slow_

_‘Cause all of my life, I’ve waited for this day_

_To find that once in a lifetime, this is it, I’ll never be the same_

I feel my eyes became blurry by the tears that formed in my eyes. Everything is overwhelming at this moment and it made me cautious. I am afraid Wonpil would see it, I am afraid if my heart won’t make it through and break down any soon.

“Pil,” my voice cracks, “Can I hug you?”

I see Wonpil worriedly stare at me. I can't even bring myself to care if he sees the hurt in my eyes. But then he pulls me even closer and set my head to rest on his shoulder instead.

“Why would you ask?” he softly murmurs.

The moment my temple rests on his shoulder, I shut my eyes and that's when the tears finally streamed down my face. My lips trembled as I tried so hard not to sob. I made a trail to the side of his arm while my other hand gripped his shoulder tightly. He does the same, encircling my waist and held me as if I'm about to vanish soon.

If only I could stop time, I just wanted to stay like this for as long as I could be. Before I let him go for the rest of my life.

“I’m gonna miss you, Danee..”

Those words send another batch of tears to fall. At this point I just let him twist the knife, to make my heart clench even harder that it rips all the strings in me.

I have been enduring for too long and now I can’t go further. It is over, I don’t need to hold it anymore. I am already at the end of the road. I should’ve stopped long time ago, I should’ve saved myself from keep chasing pavements. I knew it was leading nowhere, but here I am at the dead end, with thorns all over the wall. I don’t have choice but to turn back. If only I did it long time ago, I wouldn’t have faced this scary walls.

I sniff his scent and even now I wonder how could he smell so _good_, like a fairy pixie dust are poured every time I have him this close, making me strengthless under his spell.

“I’m gonna miss you too,”

No, I don’t have to miss him. All I need after this is to let everything go, to leave the dream behind, to destroy every single bit of these feelings, to bring myself back. I love him so much that I lost myself, I forget what did I do before my life started to revolve around him, I gave him all but forgot to spare what myself deserve. It has to end. No more ‘_what if_’, no more pain I have to hold back anymore, it is over. This is the last time.

This is the last time I let myself be in love with you, Kim Wonpil.

+++

It’s like you are driving and you know you are heading to a dead end, you know you are going to crush if you don’t stop, but you keep driving anyway, don’t even think to step on the brake at all and don’t mind to crush hard.

I am going through it, I know the dead end is what I am heading to yet I keep driving anyway. Instead of stepping on the brake, I fasten the pace just to welcome the pain that would greet me when I crush. But in fact pain is no longer something that would actually tear me, it has turned into a friend that I become familiar with.

Anyway here I am, standing in the crowd of people whose faces are full of something that I can’t find it in me,_ happiness._

I want to be happy, truly, God knows how I’ve been trying to feel happy for him but the attempt that I have been doing for years could do nothing until today, until the last battle I have to go through.

Truth is, I don’t even know where did the energy come from that I have the audacity to show up today, that I have the audacity to make myself suffer even more. I was close to pack my things last night and go straight to the airport yet the sound of my heart whispered something that I keep hearing everytime I want to escape;

_Just a little bit more._

And I thought I just have to listen to the sound of my heart one last time, before completely setting myself free from this which seems to be unending misery.

So I come, to witness it with my own eyes, how the love of my life slipped away right through the space of my fingers, how he took the vow, promised his life and death to her, to protect her at all cost even when his life is at stake.

And that was it, that was how I lost him completely, the moment he kissed her after the vow was committed.

I stared at the glass of wine in my hand that somehow feels much bitter than how it usually tastes, subtly rubbed the glass and thought is it just me or not only my heart but also my tongue feels numb today?

“Hey,“

My head automatically turned to owner of the voice and I hate how my gaze landed on his right away, because I could never handle it nicely.

“I was looking for you, you’ve been here all along?”

I pretend like I just sipped the wine, “Yep. Why?”

Wonpil shook his head and we stared at each other for few seconds in silence. God, he looks so hatefully handsome, white shirt tucked in with first button undone, black suit, black pants which suits his legs. His black hair is parted, beautifully showing his strong eyebrows and his forehead that was once I found so tempting to kiss. In summary, denoir is the best definition to describe him.

Him, the one that completely belongs to someone else now.

“You’re not leaving soon, right?” he asked, lifting his brow.

I took a look at my watch, “In thirty minutes, I guess.”

Wonpil’s shoulders dropped, there’s a subtle pout he made with his lips.

“I can’t believe you’re really going, Danee.”

_I can’t believe I’m losing you, Wonpil._

My throat feels like it was burnt when I attempted to swallow back the words. Here I am at the dead end, yet he keeps trying to make me stay.

“I’ll be back before you even know it,” I nudged him.

If only he knew that the me who is standing before his eyes is actually dying on the floor, trying to the death to deal with every single bit of pain that is burning me as long as I keep my body in this place.

“Can you please let pass tonight’s flight? I’ll buy you the ticket tomorrow. I want to take you to the airport,” he begged, his eyes are twinkling.

I chuckled, “No way. I’m going tonight. Can’t be late for the training in there, Pil.”

Wonpil sighed, I’m not sure if he was sad or disappointed, perhaps both.

I was about to utter another words but then he reached for my hand. I was startled but let him to lead me somewhere, still my other hand holding the glass of wine. Wonpil took me out of the hall, a few guests saw us walking through and Wonpil just casually greet them. We are then arrived at the back of the building, a kind of garden which is quite wide. I noticed that it is twilight already, reminding me that the time is coming.

People’s chatter and jazz music sound vague now that we’re here at the back of the hall. I waited for him to speak what he wants to say. But what he did next was more startling.

Wonpil pulled me into a hug, he wrapped his arms around me tightly and I nearly threw away the glass that I am still holding. My chin rest on his shoulder and truthfully I don’t know what to say, my hands just hanging aimlessly, still in shock because of his sudden movement.

I heard Wonpil heaved a deep sigh, “Just wanna hug you because I can’t take you to the departure. Stay healthy, okay? Be safe and don’t forget to keep me updated about you. Don’t skip your meals and stay away from fuck boys.”

I can’t help but laugh at his last note to me. My hands slowly encircled his waist as I hug him back.

“I will,” I breathe, “Don’t worry.”

Shiver takes over me when I feel Wonpil subtly runs his fingers through my hair, caressing the back of my head, “Thank you for being my friend, Danee. You’re always there for me and you have no idea how I really value you in my life. It’s the first time I’m not going to see you for a long time, I’m not ready for it but I know it’s for your own good. I just want you to look after yourself when I’m out of your sight, okay?”

The words feels like he put salt in my open cuts but somehow also sends me to a peace. He doesn’t have to make it obvious, but then again I could never expect him to know what is on my mind when I am undoubtedly the one who is way too good at pretending. My heart sinks once again when I realize I can’t find the right cue to speak, not trusting my own voice.

So I just pat his back and blink. Recording in my mind, the feeling of having his arms around me for the last time. But then my eyes caught someone’s shiloutte standing at the door to the hall, staring at me and Wonpil.

My eyes rounded in shock once again when I realized who it was so I set myself free from Wonpil, making him confusedly looking at me who is looking at the person a few feets away behind him.

“Oh, hey,” I nervously spoke, not quite understand why do I have to be nervous.

Wonpil realized it now and he turned around, finding his bride looking at him and he smiled. He gestured her to come closer and I’m more nervous in each step Clara takes to get to where me and Wonpil stand at.

Instead of anger or anything else, Clara’s face radiates wonder, like she is lost and doesn’t know how to get back on the track.

“Were you looking for me?” Wonpil reached for her hand.

Clara just nodded and now her eyes were at me.

“I was looking for you too, Danee,” she kinda pout.

I don’t understand, at this point she could’ve been alarmed when she caught me and Wonpil hugging in the back of the building where no one else could watch us, but she expressed like she was worried that we were missing from the crowd.

“I’m sorry I left you sweeetheart,” Wonpil pulled Clara by her waist and gave a peck to her temple.

My heart wrenches.

“Ah, love birds,” I faked eyes rolled at them.

Clara giggles. “I’ll miss you too, Danee. Please take care.”

My heart shrinks at her words. I got it and actually it hurts me when she makes me realized that she fully believes in me, believes in Wonpil. What she said just now shows that even when she caught Wonpil hugging me earlier, she takes it as if Wonpil just hugging his best friend for the last time before letting me go, like she is understanding.

And probably that’s what I need, to know that Wonpil found the one who understands him, unconditionally.

I bit my lower lip, “I’ll keep you both in touch, alright? Don’t act like I’m leaving forever.”

Wonpil and Clara chuckled, I watch them tightening their hold onto each other and I take it as a cue to leave.

“I’m going now,” I said, “Need to go back to get my things first.”

The look on their faces are saying it all and I try so hard not to break down. They talked a bit more about what they wish me to be and to do and I just keep reassuring them that it is gonna be alright, even when I don’t know how I would be after I step out from this place.

“Thank you, Danee,” Wonpil said for the last time, caressing my arm.

I could just nod and let my eyes stared at them for the last time, this is how I’m going to remember them, in love and the complete piece of each other’s void.

I landed my eyes on Wonpil whose arm wrapped around Clara’s shoulders. Gathering the strength that left in me, I smiled at him, somehow hoping he could see it through my eyes, the longing that Clara could see a few times ago. But I know he won’t, because all he can see is someone else. Someone whom he is ready to risk it all for, someone who’s became completely his for the rest of their lives, someone who’s now in his arm, and that’s definitely not me because I can’t feel his arm around me anymore.

I turn around and slowly walk away.

Don’t know how long will I need to heal, but now all I want is to breathe.

Don’t wanna be stone cold.

If happy is her, I’m happy for you.

**Author's Note:**

> edit: wow i didnt know people actually read this T_T thank you for reading it until the end. there are probably mistakes here and there but i hope you enjoyed the story. i havent written in a long time and i feel so relieved that i finally finished this.
> 
> and!! thank you so much for leaving kudos.. it means so much for me<3


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